Weep Not for The Memories
by AlexaNova
Summary: Quinn makes this decision and she can't help but get heartbroken when she finds out  what happens. Post On My Way episode but without the accident.


**Title: **Weep Not for The Memories

**Author: **AlexaNova

**Spoilers:** Post On My Way episode but there was no accident.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own glee or any of the characters. If I did, I will always and forever make Faberry canon.

**Pairing: **Rachel/Quinn

**A/N:** So, new story. I hope you enjoy this one shot because I enjoyed writing it. This is the longest chapter I had ever written on FF so, I'm still quite in a daze. Haha. I'll be updating my other stories in the following week. Please, read and review! :)

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><p>I could hear the light, creaking sound the wooden boards beneath me are producing. I walked slowly, relishing the feeling of being here in this place. I had rarely ever seen the sun rise in the horizon. It is almost time for the sun to shine its beauty once again into this part of the world, but I still took my time to go where I wanted to be.<p>

I looked around.

This place looks a bit deserted though, there are some people who jogged passed me when I got out of my car. I stopped my feet from moving forward when I reached the end. I looked down and I saw the deep sea calling me. It was inviting me to enter its dark shadows, consuming this feeling inside me that I've only wished to drown upon. When I looked up, I could see yellow streaks of light forming in the sky; the clouds reflecting those lights thus creating these golden linings which I could make a beautiful pattern of.

I closed my eyes slowly, in time with the beat of the waves beneath this wooden piece for which I am standing on. I could smell the salt in the air and the lullaby of the sea making me feel at peace.

This was the reason why I went here in the first place.

I want to find solace, silence, freedom and time all to myself so I could finally make this decision. When I could feel a slight rise of temperature behind my eyelids, I slowly open my eyes and the scene upon me had me in tears.

The sun shining ever so slowly, with its magnificent golden crown and orange streaks of fire, made all my locked up emotions, surface again. My heart breaks each time the sun moves up an inch more.

It reminded me of this young woman, eyes shining brighter than any star, smile so simple yet so beautifully curved to perfection, determination and confidence more astounding and amazing than the most beautiful equation in the world and her heart so strong yet so forgiving. This sun and its shining beauty had nothing compared to this wonderful girl.

I took a deep breath and sighed. This is the day where my heart's journey ends. This is the day where I could practically feel the clock ticking inside me like a bomb that would blow off when the right time comes.

I told her that I would not participate on this so called special day. I reasoned with myself that it was indeed not a special day, for would a dying soul's death be celebrated? But now that I stand here, the world shining on me and lulling me in peaceful rhythm, I wonder what I could possibly do that would finally let loose this emotional entity inside me that is locked up on this frightening cage in which I had made. I am a woman who shapes high walls around me to keep my life from falling apart by people who tend to hammer my heart to pieces. It is in my nature to protect myself. Would I change my natural habit to give myself one last opportunity to give this last piece of my heart to someone who I do not deserve?

Yes, I do not deserve her yet; I do not bring myself to care for I had fallen for her a long time ago.

I did not know how to place my feelings so I chose the easier way to suppress my childish fear, belittle her and destroy her life.

It affected me more than it affected her for she did not know the reason behind it and for years, she was oblivious to my ever growing feelings towards her. These last few months have been a waking part of my life. I've finally come to terms of my own feelings and felt that I could finally breathe without choking on my self hatred. I've finally managed to be friends with her, as platonic as I can. But within the time she had told each one of us that she would spend the rest of her life with one Finn Hudson, I said to myself that I could never bear this hurt, not until I tell her how I feel about all this.

To this day, I was unsuccessful. She kept insisting on being with him and though I know she loved him; I kept telling her, though only in my mind, that she deserves to be with someone who loves her more than she would ever love anyone.

I wish I wasn't the one looking out at the horizon right now and telling myself to stop this wedding. I wish I was the one who's now getting ready to be with the one who I will love for the rest of my life. I feel like life seems unfair, yet maybe this is the hurt I deserved when the only wonderful thing in my life had been trampled upon by my self-loathing and icy demeanour.

I deserve feeling like I'm dying inside with the wounding image of seeing her walk down the aisle to be with him, but she doesn't deserve not knowing the whole truth behind a large part of her high school life in which I starred in.

So with this thought, I would embark on this last journey of my heart which longed for this young woman. I know this part of me will die but I dare not dwell in it again for I would only crumple on the floor and weep until sleep and dreams take me away. It is not right for me but most certainly it is not right for Rachel.

As I walk back to my car, a voice in my head repeated only one thing until I am able to park my car near the city hall. "Courage is not the absence of fear but rather, the ability to overcome it."

-OOO-

I sit idly in the car, my heart beating too fast for my breath to follow. I turned off the engine, yet my grip on the steering wheel only tightens. I close my eyes to count slowly from one to ten but then, this image forming in front of my eyes is stopping me from doing so.

I see her, standing in front of me, clutching her bag tightly to her body, and telling me to come back to Glee club. Her eyes are pleading me, begging me to see through the errors of my ways and learn that I am not alone in this world. A flash of white startles me and another scene plays out. I'm clutching my stomach, giving warmth to the sweet child inside me. She's standing beside me, whispering how sorry she was. I knew right then that she will always be the bravest person I will ever know. She did what I was so afraid to do. She sits beside me and I wonder how I can ever be even half of who this woman is. She does not even know that I look up to her all these years.

Another flash of white light and this last image had me shaking in my seat.

We were standing in a dark hallway at McKinley. Somehow, my mind is not keeping up with my mouth for what came out, was a question that had been making my stomach churn and my body heat up in flames. Her light nod had felt like low jab to my heart.

I knew what I must do.

With tears stinging my eyes, I took a step away from her and raised both of my hands to protect the last remnants of this battered soul that I have. She looked at me quizzically, but it only took her 2 seconds to realize that I would not partake in her decision. I am taking slow backward steps now and when she reached out and said my name in the most heartbroken way, I could not take it anymore and I ran.

I ran away from the one person who had given me the happiness that I had been searching for all my life and the one person who had given me the worst suffering a heart could only ever take.

Yet, why do I still love her?

This question haunted me in the nights that I could not fall asleep. The answer, however, only presented itself at this very moment.

I still love her because she is worth everything.

My eyes snapped open and with fierce determination, I got out of the car and marched towards the inevitable.

-OOO-

I ran and ran, searching for the doors that would lead me to her.

Then with wide eyes, I saw Finn Hudson leaning forward behind a bronze door. I looked through the rectangular glass and all the blood in my body fell to my feet. Everybody is standing up, cheering for the new bride and groom.

I was too late.

I was too late to do anything. I was too late to stop this. I was too late.

My head is spinning. She's smiling towards him with mirth filled eyes and I realized that my efforts had been blown away by the cold and cruel wind.

I finally break free the emotional entity locked inside me. My head and my back rest on the wall beside the door and I slump down slowly.

I'm crying. I'm crying.

What would happen now? What would I do now? I've failed. I have failed and I felt like my life has no meaning anymore. My hands cannot stop shaking even when I use it to cover my crying face. But then, as if God had heard my anguish, I suddenly feel a hand on my shoulder. My heart stopped for a moment when I thought it was her but when I looked up, I was relieved to see that it was only the janitor.

"Get up."

I got confused but then, I saw his eyes flicker towards the door and then to me.

I finally understood what he meant.

"Come on."

I let him guide me into one of the rooms in the city hall.

"Stay here. Dry those tears and when you're ready, I'll call on you so you can sneak in on the reception, okay?"

I felt numb. All I could do was nod.

-OOO-

An hour had passed and within that hour, I thought of what I would even do in the reception. I was uninvited so, what was the point? I then realized that the man had helped me not because he just wants to but because he wants me to have one last opportunity to see her again.

I wipe away the tears and smoothed out my dress.

If this is my last chance then this may as well be my last goodbye. Well, my last goodbye to that part of my heart and my life. There's a light knock on the door and the man poked his head in.

"Are you ready?"

I chuckle at how loaded that question is.

"Yes."

He opens the door fully and extends his right hand. I took a deep breath before I take his hand with mine.

-OOO-

He led me into a kitchen and we finally stopped in front of two huge doors. I could hear music seeping in through the kitchen doors.

"This is it. I know I don't actually know you, but I believe in you. I believe that you'll do whatever you have to do to say what you've always wanted to say."

"How did you kn-"

"I just know, sweetheart. Now, do you need help with anything else?"

I take a few moments to think of something particular that he could help me with. I lean forward and whisper it to his ear. He smiles at me and nods. He squeezes my shoulder and walks away.

This is it.

This is the moment where I feel like I'm jumping off a cliff without anything to save me from plummeting to my inevitable death. I take off my blazer and cool air caresses my naked shoulders. I close my eyes and smile, for all I can see is her face, glowing and smiling brightly towards me. I push open the doors and darkness took me in.

-OOO-

I scan the whole room. Almost everybody seems to be dancing. I laugh lightly, but as I look at the people on the dance floor, my laughter slowly die out when my eyes take in the beauty that takes my breath away.

There she is. She's being slowly guided around the dance floor by Puck.

I took tentative steps towards them and shakily, I reach out to tap his shoulders. Both of their heads snapped quickly towards me. He looked at me with wide eyes but takes a step backward as I plead with him through my eyes. He nods and lets her hands go. I tore my eyes away from him to look at the angel who was dancing with him a moment ago.

Now that we're both standing in front of each other, I slowly took in her appearance. She looks better than in all my dreams combined. Her open and closing mouth had me hypnotized. She takes a slow step forward and reaches for my arm. Her touch seemed to rock me to my core. How is this even real? Momentarily, I find myself thinking that this may be a dream but then her voice brings me back to reality.

"Quinn?"

My eyes lock with hers. I still feel like I'm drowning in my emotions for I could not speak.

"Quinn, what are you doing here? I... I thought you weren't coming."

I finally had the strength to speak. My eyes dart towards her dress and then back to hers.

"You look so beautiful, Rachel."

She ducks her head. I could see a faint blush forming on her cheeks.

"Thank you, Quinn. I'm flattered but you should look at yourself first. You look prettier than I am."

"Not possible." I say this with all seriousness.

She looks up as she hears the change in the tone of my voice.

Suddenly, the song transitions into a slow song. I look at her with a smile.

"Can I have this dance, Ms. Rachel Berry?"

She beams at me and I swear her face is glowing with happiness.

"Of course."

_You're in my arms__  
><em>_And all the world is calm__  
><em>_The music playing on for only two_

I take her right hand and lightly put it on top of my left. Then, I guide her left hand to the top of my shoulder and I clasp my right hand on her waist. I did all these while I look at her with all the love I could convey in my eyes.

_So close together__  
><em>_And when I'm with you__  
><em>_So close to feeling alive_

I close my eyes and count to three as my heart beats wildly in my chest.

_A life goes by__  
><em>_Romantic dreams will stop__  
><em>_So I bid mine goodbye and never knew_

I open them again and my feet slowly guide me around the dance floor. She's still looking at me like she's waiting for me to say something. Oh, how well she knows me.

"I'm here, Rachel because I want to have this last opportunity to say everything that I've always wanted to say."

_So close with waiting, waiting here with you__  
><em>_And now forever I know_

"We've known each other for God knows how long. We've seen each other's best and been each other's worst. Well, mostly I was."

_All that I wanted to hold you__  
><em>_So close._

"I know I should've said something when you made this decision. I mean, I should've said something more. Something that would help you see the light. That would help you realize that this..." I let my eyes travel to everything around us.

"This is a mistake."

_So close to reaching that famous happy end__  
><em>_Almost believing this was not pretend_

_And now you're beside me and look how far we've come__  
><em>_So far we are so close._

She looks at me with disbelief but then it is suddenly overshadowed by her tears.

"I didn't make a mistake. This is my decision. I just..."

She presses her body against me. I sigh and let my head rest on top of her head.

"I just want you to respect that decision, Quinn. I need you to."

"I... can't Rachel, not ever."

Her head looks up and her face is mere inches away from mine. I could kiss her right then and there to convey the reason why I could never be able to bear seeing her with him. I look away to keep myself from kissing her.

"Why, Quinn? Why can't you be happy for me?"

_How could I face the faceless days__  
><em>_If I should lose you now?_

The lyrics of the song are getting to me. I'm holding back all the emotions that are threatening to spill out of my eyes.

"I just... can't."

"Give me the reason, Quinn. Please. You owe this to me."

_We're so close__  
><em>_To reaching that famous happy end__  
><em>_And almost believing this was not pretend__  
><em>_Let's go on dreaming for we know we are_

I hold both of her arms to my chest. I know she could feel it beating erratically. She's still looking at me, never turning her eyes away from me. She's almost at the edge of her emotional seat. She's mere inches away from falling and breaking into pieces. How could I ever say no to her? Even when I know I would die from knowing that she could slap my face when I tell her how I feel, I could never deny what she wishes from me.

"It's because I've fallen in love with you and I could never get back up again."

_So close__  
><em>_So close__  
><em>_And still so far_

We stare at each other as another slow song seeps in through the dance floor.

_I will remember you, will you remember me?__  
><em>_Don't let your life pass you by,__  
><em>_Weep not for the memories_

I search her face, looking for disgust, hate, anger or just about anything that I fear would become reality. All I see is shock and confusion. I take this as a cue for me to explain myself.

"You've been a wonderful friend to me even when I didn't need you. Even when I shunned you away, spit out your name, drew you freakishly, spoke of your presence as something so sinister and lashed out on you when you tried to reach me with a promise of friendship."

_Remember the good times that we had?__  
><em>_I let them slip away from us when things got bad._

"I shouldn't have treated you that way. I was stupid. I was a coward. I only did all those things because I was scared of what I felt for you. I always feared rejection and hurt. I knew you could never return my feelings. I got even angrier at you because you still kept coming back to me when I'm trying so hard to push you away. I thought I was protecting myself but I never thought I could feel like I'm dying inside when I see in your eyes how hurt you are because of me."

_How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun__  
><em>_Want to feel your warmth upon me__  
><em>_I want to be the one_

"When I've finally come into terms with my feelings, I wanted to take everything with baby steps so I finally accepted your friendship, though the thought of it hurts me every single day. I still felt like it was the right decision. I was so happy that even after all I've put you through you were delighted with the fact that we're finally friends."

_I will remember you, will you remember me?__  
><em>_Don't let your life pass you by__  
><em>_Weep not for the memories_

She's crying now. I could feel her tears on my shoulder. She's holding my dress so tightly between her fingers and I can't help but soothe her tears away by rubbing her back as gently as I can.

_I'm so tired but I can't sleep__  
><em>_Standin' on the edge of something much too deep__  
><em>_It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word__  
><em>_We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard_

" Then..."

My voice is shaking. I have to say this. I have to.

"Then, you told me that Finn proposed to you. I tried, with all that I can, to let you see that you should say no. I guess, I didn't try hard enough."

I let out a shaky breath before I continued again.

"The moment you told us that you we're going through with your decision, I felt like... I..."

I couldn't finish that sentence so; I conveyed what I wanted to say through this song.

"I'm so afraid to love you  
>But more afraid to lose<br>Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose  
>Once there was a darkness<br>Deep and endless night  
>You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me life."<p>

Her head snapped upwards. She looks at me with a new fire alight.

She lets go of my dress and with one hit, slaps my face. I snap my eyes full of hurt towards hers. I clutch my reddening cheek with my left hand.

But then, she quickly tore my hand away from my face and roughly touches my cheeks with both of her hands.

Before I could even process what was happening, I could feel soft lips crashing into mine. I was confused but before I could dwell on that thought, her tongue darts out and I moan out her name. I open my lips to give her entrance and when my tongue touches hers, I feel like I'm drowning from the heaviness of this moment. I do what I could only do to save myself from falling; I grasp her neck and kiss her more passionately.

Then without warning, a thought entered my mind. I tried not to think about it more but it kept coming back.

'She already chose someone else.'

With fumbling hands, I managed to tear us away but only a mere few inches. Tears are suddenly falling down my cheeks and to her arms that is still holding my face in place.

"I can't do this. Y-you already chose someone else. I...I can't." I wheeze out as breathing becomes harder when my chest is tightening impossibly.

"I married him because I thought he was the only one who genuinely loved me. I thought he could be the one who would save my heart from dying. I was stuck in this idea that nobody in our school really loved me. Not genuinely. At this moment I've finally realized how much I needed you. I needed you every single day. I wanted to be close to you even when I knew you never wanted to. I wanted to be there every time something big happens in your life. I've always wanted to play a big part of your life. I've finally realized that I had always loved you."

_I will remember you, will you remember me?__  
><em>_Don't let your life pass you by__  
><em>_Weep not for the memories_

I'm tearing her hands away from me. No. I couldn't do this. She can't do this.

"I can't. I'm so sorry Rachel. Our chances were gone when you've taken your vows."

I'm trying to give her space but she kept pulling me towards her again and again.

"Please. Don't leave me, Quinn. Please don't run away from me again. I'm so sorry for making this stupid decision."

Her eyes are breaking my heart. She's crying and I can't help but dry her tears away with my fingers.

_Weep not for the memories._

"This is goodbye, Rachel. I wish we could take it all back and look back with happiness because we made the right decisions that would lead us to each other. I wish I could've been the one who would make you happy until the day you die. I wish I could've been the one who would show you how much I love you every single day. I wish I could've been the one who would dry your tears and be the shoulder you would lean on when you're troubled or hurt. I wish for so many things but sadly, we're already taking separate paths. I...I love you too much that I couldn't be selfish enough to take you away from Finn. I have to let you go. I just... I have to..."

I slowly let go of her hands. I would forever miss how her touch feels like, how her kiss makes my heart melt inside and how her eyes looks at me with full of love and compassion.

"Here."

I reached behind me with my left hand and grasped her hand with my right. I slip the Gardenias on her wrist and looked at her one last time.

"I love you, Rachel Berry. Always had and always will."

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><p><strong>AN 2**: The songs are **So Close** by John Mclaughlin and **I Will Remember You** by Sarah Mclachlan.


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